Siit siis tuleb minu esimene kirjanduslik katsetus. Ootan arvustusi. (Tean, et pole eriti hea ja fantaasiarikas kirjutada. Pole seda soont sees. Aga vahel ju võiks.)
Pühendatud Stevenile...
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She woke up. How long was She asleep? Where was She and what was She doing there? Oh, She remembered. It was a long time ago...
She was sixteen then. She was so beautiful that even elves called her Lilium. She was the centre of all Light. Until one day... A soothsayer proclaimed that above Her was the Mark of Death. Death had decided that She would be the best ravin and wanted Her to be on the trophy hall wall. She had run away, but Death chased Her. She tried to find protection from Light... But it abandoned Her. Then She ran...ran...and ran... as far as she could and found herself in Darkness. It offered Her protection and power. She stayed there... Death could not find Her, because even He could not see through the Darkness domain. She learned the legacy and the power of Darkness. Years went by... She was finally ready to go... to look around in the world of Darkness.
She travelled on Her black horse called Caligo. He was Her best companion. They passed the Grim Mountains and arrived at a town named Exterreo. There lived the people of Darkness. It was the nest of evil, spawning deceit, fraud, theft, prostitution and homicide. Darkness had bought Her a house. She was invited to upper class parties because of being the favourite of Darkness. There She met a man. A man so handsome that even the elves could not compete Him. His name was Devoto Falcifer. Of course that name should have warned Her, but She did not seem to understand the meaning of His name and that suited Him well. She fell in love. They began to date and few months later She discovered that there was new life growing in Her... She told Him but He only laughed... and went away. He was never seen again...
She was broken... and Darkness grew... There was nobody there for Her but Caligo. She did not eat nor drink... She went to the darkest place She could find and stayed there. Nine months passed and the time came... She was dying... She called for help but there was nobody there... She cursed the world... She cursed the skies... She cursed humanity... She cursed the elves... She cursed every single being in the world... She cursed everything she knew of... She was filled with anger and darkness... It grew in Her... It was so big that the whole world felt it... With the last of her strenght She called Darkness...
And Darkness came... It gave its life th Her... She felt that the power grew so strong, that She could not bear it... Everything was fading away... She felt dizzy... And everything was gone...
She fainted...
She glanced around. It was so dark that only her eyes could see what the utter darkness consisted. Of course... She was Lilium, the Queen of Darkness...
To be continued...
kolmapäev, jaanuar 16, 2008
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5 kommentaari:
Alguseks peaksin ütlema, et päris hea on :) Leidsin ainult ühe typo :P Grammatiliselt hästi ja plot on ok.
Ainult tundus, et sul oli kiire kui Sa seda kirjutasid. Plot lendab väga väga kiiresti mööda, kuid samas Sa vist ei tahagi raamatut kirjutada...mis iseenesest tuleks väga hea.
Ehkki võiks olla pisut rohkem kirjeldusi peategelase kohta...midagi mis looks visuaalse ettekujutuse temast ja teda ümbritsevast. Kirjeldusi, mis teeks temast lähedase olevuse. 8-)
Jõudu loometööl...
aa...ja eriti grand oleks kui see oleks emakeeles (H) :)
hmm. minu arvates oleks samuti parem, kui tekst oleks emakeeles. me oleme eestlased ometigi. siiski ei häirinud keele kasutus mind teksti mõistmast. ma ütleksin, et selline omamoodi plot, kuhu oli suudetud ka tera peita. lugu oleks võinud pikem olla. tavaliselt, kui midagi lugeda siis hakkab fantaasia lendama ja n.ö teatrit tegema. selle loo puhul jäi paraku etendus üsna pealiskaudseks ja kiireks. siiski pean ma ütlema, et sündmuste areng oli piisavalt hea tekitamaks huvi järje vastu.
Plot jooksis kiiresti, kuna kui edasi kirjutan tuleb tegelaste kohta rohkem infi, kas kellegi mõtete või suhtlemise kaudu:)
Minu meelest oli see nagu kokkuvõte huvipakkuvast raamatust. Nagu põhisündmuste kondikava. Kui veel välja kirjutada, mida peategelane ise asjade kohta MÕTLEB, annaks juba filosofeerida kah :)
Ilus mõte sul
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